So, this is crazy: Alex and I have officially been married for a year. It’s crazy how quickly the time passed. As a recap, here’s our stats:
Health: Gained 20 pounds, lost 10 of them, gained 2 of them, lost something, hate math, broke scale, bought a lot of cheese, ate it.
Achievements of Adulting Because Marriage is Very Adult:
1. Successfully put my hair dryer away 92% of the time after I used it.
2. Convinced Alex we should eat organic produce.
3. Still sleep in threadbare stained cotton dresses but I try to make them sexy by bathing semi-regularly.
4. Purchased Life Insurance because I don’t want to be a single Mom with a mortgage I can’t afford and how dare he put me in this position and doesn’t he love me and our kids aren’t going to go to college and this is something we fight about except I don’t call it fighting I call it discussions.
I didn’t want to talk too much about my wedding last year (as evidenced by the dozen or so posts about it) so there’s a few things I don’t think I ever told you. Now that a year has passed, we can revisit:
1. Despite being cray cray, I let my Mom come. I don’t regret it, but it didn’t fix anything. We don’t really talk anymore but at least she was in the photos, right?
2. Our pastor epically photobombed our Disney Princess Kiss
3. My dress cost $99.
4. All four of my brothers walked me down the aisle to Coldplay’s “Life in Technicolor” and then Alex and I walked out to “Oblivion” by M83 because we are traditional and romantic and it was like having Tom Cruise at the wedding.
5. The girl I asked on a date at a bar did end up singing at our wedding. She sang an acoustic version of “I Choose You” and made everyone cry. She also sang at the reception and covered some T. Swift songs, which made *me* cry.
Here’s some marriage advice based on me being an expert:
- How to dominate in the bedroom
- How to make sure your sex drives are in sync
- How to trade boob grabs for emotional meltdowns
Here are our biggest marital issues:
1. I think it’s acceptable to pile trash five feet above the trash can as a way of punishing Alex for not taking the trash out, but for some reason he thinks its okay to leave a dirty dish in the sink? I mean seriously WTF.
2. Our bathroom is basically in the bedroom, which means I can’t listen to Whatsapps from Gunmetal Geisha while washing my face because #GirlCode but this is how I like to live my life and I didn’t realize I would have to compromise so much and marriage is hard work.
3. Alex insists on sleeping with a fan on but that makes it too cold for me to get up and pee in the morning and I think I need a lawyer.
People told us it was important to keep the romance alive and keep trying to impress each other, which we’ve been trying to do. One of my friends told me that they would Watch online fuck tube videos only at TUBEV together to get ideas to sexually enjoy themselves in new ways to keep thnigs fresh.
Most attractive things Alex has done:
- Started reading my African-American Studies books.
- Took Zola to the dog park because I was hungover.
- Drove me and Jessica Ziegler around while we were schwasted
Most attractive things I have done:
- Tried to use some sort of Nair product that made me look like I had smallpox in my lady regions.
- Crawled around on the floor, pawing at his crotch while making mawing noises and pretending like I don’t have teeth.
- Went to bed with chemical peel residue on my face that was so strong it bleached the color out of our nice sheets that we can never afford to buy again.
That about sums up our first year of marriage. Here’s to another 75!
What’s the most attractive thing you’ve done for your partner? Have any marriage advice for us? What’s the hardest part about maintaining a relationship?
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