I think I have a pretty decent self-esteem– possibly because I’ve grown increasingly lazy and can’t care about things as much as I used to– but I still don’t want people to know how terrible I look 87% of the time. I like when someone compliments a selfie but still feel the need to point out that for every semi-flattering photo you see, there are 73 in my iPhone where the lighting, angle, and alignment of the stars made me look like a post-partum Ogre.
I should probably update the blog profile photo you see in my sidebar. I uploaded it in 2013 when I wrote my first post but I’ve gained and lost a thousand pounds since then + cried a lot + laughed a lot and basically now my real face looks more like a Pinterest #NailedIt situation.
This is why I was particularly dreading the professional head shot my boss told me to take. I halfheartedly asked Facebook for recommendations and everyone was super helpful with photographer referrals but it was all too much and I had to retreat to a cave below the Misty Mountains and live on raw fish for a while.
I finally decided I’d just have my assistant take my headshot with an iPhone 6 and the marketing firm would be none the wiser. I’d like to pretend I rolled out of bed and “woke up like this” but the truth is I put a LOT of effort into exfoliating my face with pulverized brick while spraying expensive liquids in my hair and trying to match my clothing to my eye color.
But the photo was still TERRIBLE. I look like I’m sneering/telling some guy in a bar to stop offering to buy me a redheaded slut. My boss agreed and said it was absolutely unacceptable and I looked terrible and we couldn’t use it. This motivated me to go ahead and send it in because I’m lazy and defiant.
A week later the marketing firm got back to us with a “final proof” AKA the results of running my face through their patent-pending Vampire App:
It was a classic example of being proven wrong when you were pretty sure a situation couldn’t get worse. Someone out there needs to have their Photoshop access revoked. I’ve never used Photoshop but I was pretty sure I could do better so I downloaded a free app and got to work:
I’m still trying to figure out which one should be printed on our marketing materials. What do you think?
Please, take your best shot. Can you improve my professional head shot?
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