I’ve been interviewing for a new job because mine is terrible and my boss is terrible and don’t make me explain this (except you know how much I love explaining it). I’m pretty sure he thinks I have some sort of disease because I keep having to miss work for a couple hours in the middle of the day for last minute “doctor appointments.” Normally I’d blame it on my uterus but he already told me how angry that makes him:
“Men don’t have those problems so it’s hard for us to see it as a legitimate excuse.”
It’s hard for me to see his existence as having a legitimate excuse, but it is what it is.
In the last six months we’ve hired five people, all of whom have quit for the exact same reason– our boss is an asshole. So I’m telling them to put me as a job reference and compiling all my best tips and tricks for acing a job interview:
You should always mentally prepare by anticipating the sort of questions they might ask. There are the obvious “tell me about yourself” and “where do you see yourself in five years” but then there’s Behavioral Interview Questions. These are the best because they basically ask you to tell them a story and who doesn’t love telling horrifying stories to complete strangers?
This is how I picture it going down:
Interviewer: “Tell me about a time you disagreed with your boss.”
Me: “Well there was that time my boss wanted to throw a parade that mocked people with mental illness and I was all ‘this is bullshit!’ and she was like “but I want to wear a strait jacket with stilettos!” and then she went and got drunk and urinated in a cocktail glass at a bar.“
Interviewer: “Excellent answer, very detailed.”
Me: “Thanks. I take notes. I’m taking notes right now.”
You want to make sure you bring lots of quantitative data and numbers to throw around.
Interviewer: “How much stress can you handle in the workplace?”
Me: “Well, on a scale of 1 to 10… if 1 is getting hit by a tornado every year and 10 is finding someone hanging in the shower, I’d say I’m good with a 7, which is having a man dressed like a clown try to shoot all your coworkers with a banana.”
Always be ready to show them how vast your experience is. Don’t let them put you in a box.
Interviewer: “Do you have any event planning experience?”
Me: “Tons. I once put on an art show for Recovery month but I didn’t realize it was Friday the 13th so everyone was in Jason masks and then the venue accidentally double-booked us with a burlesque show so there were topless women everywhere.”
Interviewer: “Sounds very revealing.”
Me: “Oh, it was.”
But don’t lie. Just tell the truth with an open heart.
Interviewer: “That reminds me– do you have any skeletons in your closet?”
Me: “No, but I used to have one in the museum next to my office.”
Remember they might actually learn something from YOU.
Interviewer: “Lastly, what would you say is the most important lesson you’ve learned in your career?”
Me: “Never date your coworkers. Especially if you work in a psych ward.”
What’s the most bizarre interview question you’ve been asked? Do you wish you could change jobs? Is there anything you’d hate for your coworkers to find out about you?
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