I felt like a pretty big deal there for a few months. Because I was making a lot of money? Because I had a nice office? Because my title sounded impressive even though I basically made it up? No, no, no. Because I had an assistant.
*cue the harp music of the employment gods*
I’m not gonna lie– having someone who’s job is to do all the shite stuff is AHMAZING. For the last 7 months I haven’t had to fill out a rebate form, run to the post office, or answer my own phone. It was the culmination of all my career aspirations in life: Not doing what I don’t want to do.
But a couple weeks ago she called me at 7:53AM on a Tuesday. I had my curling iron in one hand and the phone in the other.
Me: “Uh oh.”
Her: “Yeah, I’m not coming back.”
Me, in my head: “I don’t blame you. I’m jealous of you. I won’t go back either. Let’s get coffee and troll our boss on social media!”
Me: “What’s wrong?”
Her: “I love you, but I quit.”
I wasn’t surprised. Just the day before she’d had to watch my boss and I have a full blown “Cops” style fight across the conference room over whether or not she should delete the 200 backlogged voicemails we’d never gotten around to listening to. I was Team Blank Slate and he was Team Just Listen to 20 Minutes of Voicemails Per Day and She’ll Be Done By 2018.
I mean, really. We had to draw the line somewhere. In only five months of employment he’d already “borrowed” her to do the following for him:
- Text one of his ten thousand ex-girlfriends to figure out when she could come pick up the bottle of whiskey and protein supplements he’d left at her house three months prior.
2. Listen to him grill her about every detail of the ex-girlfriend’s life: “Did she seem like she had a man in her life? Did she say if she had drank any of the whiskey? Because if she did, she’s lying. I only date girls who drink vodka.”
3. File papers at small claims court against a professional MatchMaker who’d failed to find him true love even though their agreement expressly said something along the lines of “if you’re just a massive asshole, I probably can’t help you.
4. Had her shovel his sidewalk then criticized her for not doing it well enough even though she only weighed 109 pounds and was AN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT.
When I told our boss that she’d quit, he was completely bewildered.
“But… I just bought her a sandwich last week.”
I couldn’t help but give him the side eye.
“You bought her a sandwich BECAUSE YOU MADE HER CRY.”
These sorts of details have never been important to him. He’s too busy focusing on things like whether or not we all use the exact same font in our emails, or having our assistant discreetly write the cost of every bottle of wine he owns on the label so he can quickly decide whether his latest Tinder date is worth $22.98 or $7.99.
I can only imagine what he’s going to say to me when I quit.
“But… I just gave you a brunch recommendation last week.”
That’s probably the number one thing I’m going to miss about this job. No one can give restaurant recommendations quite like a guy who goes on so many first dates that he tracks them in a spreadsheet and can analyze them with a pivot table.
What’s the most ridiculous thing a boss has asked you to do? Do you miss anything from a past (horrible) job? Have you ever had an employee do something unreasonable for you?
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