The most fervent advice-givers are those who have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about. My boss, the middle-aged bachelor, is an absolute expert on marriage— despite the fact he’s never been in one. But he’s heard of marriage and he’s seen other people’s marriages and that is all it takes for a man of such quality to be able to tell you how they work. As he likes to tell people he’s yelling at on the phone, “you know what, I’m going to go ahead and point out with what you’re doing wrong, and I won’t even charge you for it.”
So here’s some free marriage advice I’ve picked up along the way:
If you can date strippers, date strippers
This is important. You owe it to all the other men out there to date the hottest girls available to you, because all those guys are stuck in horrible marriages with normal looking women who have other things going on in their lives other than trying to please their men.
But don’t respect the strippers as human beings. Lord, no. Definitely show their naked photos to everyone you can trick into looking at your phone when you say “hey, check this out,” and if one of them tries to connect with you on LinkedIn you should definitely mock her to everyone who will listen. Because she’s just a stripper and you’re way better than her.
Marry someone who will hopefully still be hot for a few more years
This is why it’s really important to date girls in their early 20s who never leave the house and are thus not at risk for sun exposure. Unfortunately, by the time women develop a sense of self, establish a career, or know what they want out of life, they’re already wrinkled. And even if they have the best personalities, you’re doing them a disservice because you can’t be faithful to a woman who has wrinkles. It’s biology. There are ebooks on the internet that will tell you all about how this makes sense.
Never tell her she’s pretty
Pretty women should NEVER be told they are pretty. If they’re really quite beautiful then they’re probably used to hearing it, so you get a lot of extra power if they constantly question why you AREN’T telling them they’re pretty. This will cause them to question if something is wrong with them, and this is exactly the position you want them in. Insecurity = the goal.
Everyone is entitled to an upgrade
This is one of his favorite sayings, especially when I respond with “But isn’t she married?” when he talks about how some woman is/will be in love with him. “Sure,” he’ll say “But everyone is entitled to an upgrade.” And apparently he’s that upgrade.
Line up, ladies.
What would you add to this list? Have you received any bad advice lately?
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