I told you guys I would complete the first draft of my novel by October 3rd. Oops. That’s because I was thinking 100K words would be a nice length for a rough draft. Oops. But I’m not calling this a failure—I’m calling it an expansion. Because I did manage to hit 100K words by October 3rd. For proof, just consult either Alex or Gunmetal Geisha, both of whom had to suffer daily word count updates from me.
“Hey Aussa, how’s your day going?”
“SEVENTY EIGHT THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND TWELVE WORDS BY MY LAST CALCULATION THANKS.”
I’ve been trying to do all the very important things that lead to successful publication:
1. Stare longingly at photos of JK Rowling
2. Start discussion threads on social media: “Would you rather be an impoverished wizard in the world of Harry Potter or have JK Rowling level success at whatever you pursue?”
3. Consider changing name to A.H. Lorens
But don’t worry, I’m also keeping things super realistic by not doing the following:
1. Ever reading anything I’ve already written because it is complete shite and I tell myself “it’s okay to use that cliché here, it’s like a placeholder” but then my eyes accidentally drift up the screen and THE ENTIRE THING IS A CLICHÉ.
2. Performing targeted google searches to determine just how unlikely it is that my book, if published, could even earn out a meager advance and thus prevent me from being blacklisted and exiled to the island of forgotten aspiring writers who all look at each other with distrust.
3. Investing in my future if this writing thing doesn’t work out.
I’ve learned that 3,000 words is a realistic daily word count but it’s also important to incorporate the following:
1. Self-Care: Take a bath at 6PM and immediately get into bed afterwards.
2. Research: Drink two glasses of wine and scroll through click-baity articles about drug-addled child celebs.
3. Networking: Open six browser tabs so you can remain up to date on the following important discussion threads:
“Show me the last meme you saved”
“Which dress should I wear to my ex-boyfriend-who-cheated-on-me’s wedding and of course I’m not invited I’m just going because that bish has her posts set to public”
“Trump is Hitler and we are going to have World War III and it’s time to stockpile rations”
“I hate my husband but that’s normal right?”
The one where all the people you can’t stand are reminiscing about that time they were all real funny and smart HAHAHAHA it was the best
“What do you think this thing growing on my body is? (Picture in comments)”
At this rate, I’m hoping to be done with the first draft by October 22nd. I chose this date because I’m very good at math and also because Alex is going out of town the following week and I want to take advantage of this by drinking five bottles of wine and watching every single episode of Downton Abbey. Wish me luck.
Have you achieved any goals lately? How do you like to procrastinate from life’s pursuits? What are you currently working on?
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