Like the rest of you, I find social media to be an endless draw and also an endless source of cognitive dissonance where I alternate between despair and feeling like I’m clearly an alien misplaced on earth because there’s no way I share a species with these humans.
Alex is a fan of arguing in the comments—he approaches it with all the finesse of a well-practiced sport. But I am not a fan. It takes too much energy and I don’t like doing things that have a 0% success rate. Like trying to convince people there’s a difference between “reality” and “what I want to think about stuff.”
So instead I’m going to cope by employing one of my strengths: Screenshotting statements by people who don’t know how things work (like Christopher Columbus):
That is not how Europe works and that is not how white people work.
Now we can all gather round and smirk together. It makes me feel less alone in this life. Yes, it doesn’t solve any problems. No, it doesn’t right the wrongs of the world. But it sure makes me feel better to do my part in cataloguing your crazy.
That is not how… anything works.
I’m fully aware that I used to think a lot of things that are stupid. I don’t have to dip too far back in my adolescent journals to come across entries where I felt deeply ashamed and terrified because I was starting to have thoughts that fell outside the lines of what I’d been told to think. You wouldn’t believe the existential crisis following a simple sentence like “I’m starting to think the war in Iraq might be wrong.”
I guarded that journal like it was the missing murder weapon in a cold case.
So who knows. Maybe all the stupid people out there will someday realize the brain in their head is useful for something other than rote repetition of whatever garbage they’ve been indoctrinated with. Or maybe not. Either way, just look at this:
That is not how comments work.
I’m a little sad because I’ve let a lot of great potential screenshots roll passed—like the guy who said The Rapture was nigh because things were so bad that Christians were now reading novels.
Though my favorite ever was an old coworker at The Psych Ward who commented on a news article about a strange new lizard discovered in Taiwan: “Anything’s possible in Taiwan.”
REALLY? Because anything outside ‘Murica is probably inhabited by godless wizards, talking bears and who knows what else. I mean, to be fair, I’ve never been to Taiwan (unless sleeping in the airport with a stolen airline blanket counts) but I don’t think “anything’s possible” there or else I’d have already immigrated and become queen of a kingdom of baby red pandas.
I’ve always wanted to be really good at something, and I’m pretty sure this is it. I’ve had a lot of practice, and I can prove it because apparently my iPhone knows me well enough to put all my screenshots into one album, and it has 1500 photos in it. And I’ve only had this phone a few months.
It’s a hot mess in there, like taking a wrong turn in a strange part of town and slipping through a portal to an alternate universe where people think the earth was created 250 years ago and the founding fathers were co-authors of the New Testament. Oh and Obama was president during Hurricane Katrina.
That is not how cookies work.
Takeaway: Laugh so you don’t cry. And screenshot everything.
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