Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy. is what my attorney called me when I had to testify against my abusive ex-boyfriend, so this blog is pretty much sanctioned by the legal system.
I try to post something on here every week but sometimes I get distracted. You can get my full posts in your inbox so we’re not like ships passing in the night / lazy people who forget the other exists:
Why I Answered My Dad’s Gay Sex Ad — Narratively
My Ex Sent My Nude Photos to My Coworkers — Cosmopolitan
How I Unlearned The Bigotry My Father Taught Me — Marie Claire
A Non-Asshole’s Guide to Interacting with Assholes — Scary Mommy
I used to work at a psych ward before getting a serious and impressive job working at some asshole’s startup. That lasted for about 8 months before I realized I’m 0% interested in being serious or impressive.
If I spend any longer trying to fix the awkward spacing of the line right above this one, I will end up throwing my computer across the room– which is a bad idea, because this computer knows all of my secrets.
Facebook page – where I share my writing + things that amuse me.
Facebook profile – where I talk shite on coworkers + solicit advice on how to undermine authority.
Twitter – Every time something awkward happens (usually in a public restroom) I take it to Twitter.
Instagram – Mostly mountains, beer, and selfies. Forgive me, I do live in Colorado and occasionally the light is flattering.
Snapchat – aussa.lorens
I’m really good at keeping an updated list of things I’m not good at– working with advertisers is one of them. I’m horribly overpaid at my day job which means I’m not financially motivated to do anything with this blog other than talk about sex and what dead people smell like.
I appreciate the interest and am super flattered, but this is probably the only documentary I will ever agree to be a part of. Though podcasts are fun. Basically I’m only interested in things that require an hour of my time and not leaving the house.
Everything here is original content and cannot be reproduced without my permission. If you steal my stuff, I will hunt you down and torture you by making you listen to my theories on non-linear time. Please don’t make me do this, because I prefer to be appallingly lazy.
If you feel the need to leave a nasty comment, tweet, or e-mail I will probably get around to reading it at some point and then immediately forget about it (after screenshotting it, of course, because screenshots = life). There’s always a chance you’ll catch me when I’m bored and then I might just track down your real identity and post it all over the internet. But probably not, because I’m too busy watching old episodes of The Office on Netflix.