Everyone around me keeps talking about how America is heading for a civil war– so I did what any reasonable citizen would do: I bought a pizza, a bottle of wine, and set out in search of YouTube videos to walk me through the logistics of fleeing the country.
Alex was like “what if we trigger some kind of red flag by searching this stuff?”
But I was like “nah, man– it’s the internet. Any video we watch will already have 4.4 million views.”
Except, no. I’m definitely on some kind of list now, because these videos do not exist. I find this troubling because I can find a video of literally A N Y T H I N G on the internet– so either this vital content is being censored OR the Prepared Among Us are keeping it to themselves because they’re already planning to raid our homes and seize our non perishables as soon as society collapses.
Never one to be bested, I made up for YouTube’s deficiency by spending 7.5 hours of the following workday digging through Doomsday Prepper forums. Thankfully, my anxiety was almost completely alleviated because there’s little to worry about it IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO DIE. Once you sort through their inner circle terminology and acronyms the only thing you really need to know is that you’re SOL.
I’m not sure I’d really want to survive though. Have you even seen 28 Days Later? It’s not the zombies we need to be worried about, it’s the other humans. Worry less about someone wanting to eat your BRAINS and take a moment to give a bit of side eye to those who are trying to control it by filling you up with fear and paranoia and tribalism.
Everyone keeps saying we need to reach across the aisle and IDK, guys. They may be onto something, because the people I tend to ideologically disagree with the most are also the ones with weapon caches, militia training grounds, and industrial sized buckets of slow-decay peanut butter. Believe me, no one is more brokenhearted to realize all those organic 98% cacao chips I’ve been buying for $17.99/lb at Whole Foods aren’t going to be what keeps me alive.
Then again, I guess I’d rather perish like an ill-advised snack than become an inaugural member of Gilead. Think I’m exaggerating? Please, step into my iPhone camera roll, where I have an entire folder of screenshots where people discuss lining Democrats up against a wall for the firing squad, or shooting Muslim women who dare to walk down their street, or how the Bible says it’s okay to rape your wife because lol that is what they are there for! [Read more…]
Want to keep in touch? Drop your email below and I'll send you FULL POSTS anytime I write something new. Only want to know book news? Get on the list here.