I have a great gift idea for those of you who are paranoid (like me!) or who love people who are paranoid (like me!) because no one should be allowed to creep on you without your permission.
That’s right, for only $9.62 you can prevent Russian bots from watching you scroll Instagram on ze toilet. As a bonus, you’ll no longer experience that flash of horror when you open your camera and it’s forward facing and CHINS ALL THE CHINS THOSE ARE YOUR CHINS YES THAT’S WHAT YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE TO SHORT PEOPLE.
Of course, this only takes care of the camera issue. Your phone is still dropping eaves on you.
I find this incredibly inconvenient because every time I want to have a sensitive conversation with Alex (and let’s be real, all my conversations are sensitive and consist mostly of statements which ought not be uttered aloud) I first have to gather our cell phones and TV remotes, wrap them in a blanket, and stash them beneath a chair cushion in our bedroom.
Which is why we’re never buying a new TV. Because keeping secrets from the remote is one thing– hefting a Smart TV into the other room because I suddenly got a brilliant idea for how to dispose of a body is another.
In a brief lapse of self-preservation, I actually considered buying a Roomba earlier this year. It seemed a better solution than what we currently do, which involves forgetting vacuuming is a thing until it’s too late, clogging the vacuum with red hair and fur, watching it die, then doing nothing about it until we we need to vacuum again. At which point we buy a new one because we’re millennials and our only skills consist of contributing to the moral decay of society.
But I can’t buy a Roomba, because it’s basically a free-range robot that talks about you behind your back to all the other interneted beings in your house. Just imagine. It’s like the adult version of Toy Story. [Read more…]